Hello All,
Here is a conversation between a friend and myself regarding confidence. I’d like to hear about your struggles with confidence…
Stephen: How is your dating going?
Friend: There has been a lot of women contacting me. I am being very selective.
Stephen: Nice. What kind of women are you attracted to – same as before or different?
Friend: Some of the same. I’m thinking that I really have to get rid of that magnet because that’s been a barrier for my growth in relationships. I feel I need to rid myself of the crap before I fully jump into that river of dating,or I’ll find myself with the same type of woman. Do you agree?
Stephen: In my experience it’s difficult to change perception or as you say “the magnet”without confronting it head on. So, I don’t think you can’t get rid of it by playing it safe– that is by not dating. Especially, since dating is your intention. We humans are active creatures. We change by jumping in the river of life and taking risks. Sure the current may be swift and we may bump a few rocks on the way, but if we can keep our heads above water and not fight the “flow” too much, we’ll find in time the river calms.
Friend: Yeah, I know. I think that for me personally success with women will open to success with other areas of my life (business, money, life, etc.). I think it’s key. Do you agree?
Stephen: I think it’s all connected. Every issue bleeds over into our lives or sense of Becoming. To the contrary, within our Being, there are no issues. The issues are like a wall of conditioning or veil separating our Becoming from our Being. Being can’t fully unite with Becoming unless the conditioning is gone. So, we have to make sure the confidence we seek isn’t more conditioning and it’s the natural result of reuniting Being with Becoming.
Friend: Yes, I feel that my confidence is not solid – it’s forced; behind it is a sense of lack.
Stephen: The normal way is “to fix” the issue by forcing a mask of self-confidence, and this can work on a superficial level; but to find true confidence is to find Shen, our original nature. Here there is nothing to be confident about or no one to impress by having confidence. It’s just a natural byproduct of “knowing” who we are in the deepest possible way.
Friend: Yes, I really feel that that is the only way.
Stephen: Well, it’s not the only way as I can attest to trying to force confidence most of my life, but it surely is a better way.
Friend: In the meantime it’s a bitch!
Stephen: It sure is! But, try not to take it so personal. The issues of the self-image are like bad drivers on the highway. We can’t chase them all down and scream at them (though at times I wish I could); and what good would it do anyway? The smart thing would be to simply let them (issues) pass and be on their way. If we resist them, they’ll linger on; and like the bad driver they’ll fight back.
Friend: So, the attitude we should have is like the Zen master’s attitude: we’ll see? Is this the “letting it pass” attitude?
Stephen: Yeah; but the Zen master knows something that most don’t. His realization is in the temporal nature of issues, and to resist them only prolongs the issue.Additionally, he realizes on a more profound level that the issues are unreal. It is kind of like the old saying, “It’s like two tears in a bucket, mother fuck it!” Right?
Friend: I have to chew on that for a while…
…
What’s your experience?
Forced confidence is so painfully obvious to everyone else, even if not yourself. I like the idea of not avoiding or denying the “bad drivers” but not identifying with them or holding onto them. Usually, I find I am doing one or both of those things. Two tears in a bucket!! We’ll see…..
“I think that for me personally success with women will open to success with other areas of my life (business, money, life, etc.). ”
Seriously? I have to say its the opposites. You have to be okay with yoruself before you can be loved by another. If you are unsatisfied with your business, money, lift, etc., then it will show in your lack of confidence. Which will poison your dating life.
I’ve been thinking about this topic for a few days now. In the process I realized what should have been obvious: that my confidence level is directly proportional to the level of seriousness of my spiritual practice. It waxes and wanes. I also realized that the confidence that I am really looking for has nothing to do with external validation from another (women, peers and others), but confidence in my own desire to be whole. The type of confidence which cannot be affected by anybody outside of myself. This is the type of confidence that I can be behind for.